Food: My Drug Of Choice

When I'm content, I really couldn't care less about food.  I don't even think much about it.  On days when things are going smoothly, I may only eat one meal a day.  I'm not a snacker, really.  I rarely have food cravings.  I don't automatically check the fridge when I go to the kitchen.  In fact, at my last house, the kitchen was off to the side of the house and sometimes I wouldn't even enter that room for a day or two at a time.  My weight issue was not formed by bad habits.  Bad habits are doing things like: putting too much butter on your potatoes, or having a huge bowl of ice cream every night after dinner, or mindlessly eating chips or crackers while watching TV.  My compulsive eating is addiction...an uncontrolled and dangerous use of food.  I don't use it properly to fortify my body and to bring it the nutrients and sustenance it needs.  I use food to self-medicate, to mask symptoms, to run away, to punish myself.  It's really no different than the way an alcoholic or a drug addict uses alcohol and drugs.  Rather than face emotions or to confront a situation (either internal or external), an addict runs to the bottle or the dope....or, in my case, the refrigerator, cupboard, or the drive-thru.  It's frighteningly automatic.  At the first sign of stress my body has a physical need to "escape".  I run to food.  I binge (an unrestrained and often excessive indulgence).  I give no thought to what I eat.  I usually choose greasy, high salt, high fat, high flavor foods.  Upon eating a normal meal, I'm typically the slowest eater at the table.  While binging, tremendous amounts of food are consumed in a very short period of time.  Commonly, I don't even really taste the food but it actually calms me immediately....with even the first bite.  It's what I must assume an alcoholic feels when the first drink slides down his throat.  There is an immediate ease in my anxiety level.  It really does help (for the moment) but, just as any other addiction, it has adverse affects.  For me...it shows up as excessive weight and visible evidence/reminders of what I did in days past every time I look into the mirror or try to squeeze into an item of clothing that sometime recently fit.  Addiction is a mental illness.  I intend to overcome my illness and become healthy....mind, body, and soul.  Maybe it's good that I have over 100 pounds to lose.  It will give me a year or two to change my thinking, which will changes my beliefs, which will change my behavior.  Had I only 20 pounds to lose, I doubt I could conquer this addiction. 

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  (Philippians 4:13)