I Will Not Doubt What I Heard

The week had been going so well.  I had concentrated on trying to meet my healthy guidelines and staying within my daily point allowance.  I tackled 4 flights of stairs (only once...but once is more than none, right?).  I jumped on the scales a couple of time (which I call "cheating") and was down from my Thursday weigh-in.  I was "determined" to get back down under 300# and "hoping" to make it to the 30# loss milestone.  I was "doing" better but not really "feeling" better.  Planning my meals had not taken precedent (which I know is key to my success) and I have not gotten the rest I need.  I've gotten enough sleep...but not "rest".  All week I've been thinking a lot about my lifestyle....what I've become.  I've become detached from friends and family.  I work 7 days a week (have been doing it for over 3 months - with no end in sight).  I keep thinking about how the years have just slipped away from me and I've done nothing with my life.  I have no money, no hobbies, no intimate friendships, no romance, no help.  I went to the movies with a friend on October 16th, 2009.  That was the last time I went anywhere (other than church...and that's been hit-or-miss) other than to work and back.  I'm alone and lonely and I keep wondering "why" I want to lose weight.  Thoughts keep invading my head that make me question why it even matters.  One big reason (although, maybe stupid) is that I want to wear stylish clothes.  But, then I keep thinking...."to where?"  I have to wear a ridiculous uniform for one job (40 hrs week) and I need to wear clothes that "don't-matter-if-I-get-a-stain-on-them" for my other job.  I can dress nice on Sunday mornings for church, but that's really about it.  Then, there's all the weighing/measuring/tracking.  That's not too terribly hard (since the majority of what I eat is canned or pre-packaged with the label slapped on it already).  I am NEVER home for dinner...and, therefore, don't try any of the recipe's I see that look so good.  I stay up deep into the night, too tired to do anything productive and then sleep 'til nearly time to go to work in the afternoon.  I'm wasting time, wasting life.  I'm unhappy in my life and in struggling to make a change.  I don't really see a way out right now and I feel discouraged.  I'm wondering if I took on weight loss ..............

I stopped right here...dead in my tracks....because I was reminded of what I'd heard my Pastor say in church last Sunday morning.  It was something to the affect of ...not doubting what we heard God say.  What I started to write above was that I was wondering if I had taken on weight loss because it was the (only) thing I felt like I could control.  But, that is not the TRUTH!  The truth is, I was sent out by God to begin this journey, fully equipped.  "Why" he told me it was time to lose weight is certainly a question I have, but the answer was provided when he woke me up and set my feet on the path that morning and told me it was time.

All I really know is that I was so sure in the beginning that I could do this.  I had no doubt that I could succeed if I just would start/obey.  So I did, and the weight just started dropping off week after week.  I've lost nearly 30#'s and yet, I now am beginning to waiver, to question whether or not this is really "for me".  YES, it's for me!  Do you know how I know?  I know because of something my Pastor said.  It was something like this....you don't argue with God unless you've heard Him.  You can't disobey unless you've first heard instruction.  And I heard Him from the start.  Maybe weight loss is just a first step in changing my life all together.  Maybe it's not a matter of "appearance", but rather a matter of obedience.  Whatever it is, if I choose to follow through (and I do), then the outcome is going to be beyond what I can imagine.

"Consider is pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.  But, when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."  ~  James 1:2-8

Lord, Forgive me for questioning you.  I know you have a plan for me...a plan for success.  You know me intimately and have placed the desires I have within my heart.   There is nothing impossible with you.  You designed me to be healthy and joyful and to praise you in all that I do.  I thank you for my life, thus far, and thank you for the life to come.  I realize that the things that (seemingly) burden me now are only temporary and that you have full confidence in me or you would not yet have set me on this path.  I will continue to seek your wisdom at every cross-road.  I want all you have for me.