Affects Of A Full-Blown Binge

Yesterday, I binged.  It all started out with eating Oreo cookies.  I originally just took 3 cookies from the pkg and tracked the 4 points in my tracker.  That was before work.  On the way out the door for work, I grabbed 3 more (which I didn't track - nor have intention to track).  Once at work, I ran straight for the soda fountain and made myself a big glass of rootbeer.  The cookies had started a sugar craving.  I work at a pizza place.  At the end of our shift we get dinner.  My "planned" salad turned into to salad SMOTHERED in Thousand Island dressing (more sugar) and (I think) 2 pieces of pizza, a bunch of cheese bread, a couple pieces of cinnamon stromboli.  I'm trying to think of what else I had.  I think that was it.  

On the way home, my daughter had asked me to stop at McDonald's and bring her home a McChicken sandwich.  When I got to McDonalds I wanted "something" but wasn't hungry and had no idea what I wanted.  I asked if they had chocolate icecream cones.  They said they only had vanilla.  I opted to skip ordering anything for myself and just get Haley her sandwich.  (That was the only "right" thing I'd done all night).  

Once at home, I proceeded to pour myself one (then another) full glass of Welch's cherry juice cocktail (sugar overload). 

Then....the WHAT-THE-HELL-I'VE-BLOWN-IT-ALREADY attitude came in to play.  I had probably about 12 more Oreos.  I had my daughter take the cookies out of the office (she had left them by the computer).  At this point, I'd eaten so much I wanted to puke.  Well, that feeling of being over-full was still with me, and the feeling of guilt and self-loathing had reared it's ugly head at this point.  I don't know why, but I went into the kitchen, opened the fridge and pulled out left over Hamburger Helper and tossed it in the microwave.  Even while thinking "this doesn't taste very good" and "ugh, I'm gonna be sick", I proceeded to finish every bite in my bowl.  

I went to bed late.  And I went to bed sick.  And what's worse....is that, to top off all the nights' self-abuse, I dialed the phone number of my old boyfriend...the one who makes me feel horrible...the one who's words abuse me even further...the one, who early in the phone call, I had to dismiss myself to go throw up because I'd become so upset.  I don't know why I did it.  Just to further injure myself?  As sick as it sounds, and as humiliating as it is to admit...that is exactly why I did it.  Because I couldn't fit any more food into my belly and still had a craving to torment myself.  

I woke up this morning, "hung-over" from the tears of a conversation that went deep into the night.  I woke up with stomach pains that were nearly unbearable.  I woke up depressed and ashamed.  I woke up feeling guilty for the binge eating which has no doubt set me back several days on my journey.  I woke up feeling remorse for treating myself so poorly and for degrading myself.

And now, I'm sitting her writing this, as embarrassing as it is, because I promised myself I would be frank and direct in exposing to myself the causes of my obesity in the hope of overcoming depression and my addiction to food.  Plain and simple...I lost control.

But, today is a brand new day.  I've not put one bite of food into my body today.  I'm going to face this day boldly and re-align myself on the path to mental and physical health.  It will be a difficult day, but I'm going to be okay.  And tomorrow will be better.