Planning = Control

I've been "wandering" aimlessly for a couple of weeks now.   I changed jobs and changed schedules and it really threw me.  My routine was shaken.  My pattern has always been this:  Whenever there is a change in my daily routine I become distracted, disoriented, and overwhelmed.  And, as a result,  I often "fall off the wagon."  I just can't seem to hold it together when my schedule gets crazy or when "circumstances" take me on a ride, I just abandon all I've worked for, feeling too overwhelmed, and letting go of (what seems to be) the easiest thing (caring for myself) to eliminate some of the pressure.  I do this by (either) binging or skipping meals 'til I'm exhausted and weak. 

The truth is, when I treat my body with kindness and care, my performance is steady and strong.   I am better able to cope with daily stresses because my blood sugar is stable, I'm getting the proper nutrients to keep this "machine" functioning.  I get more restful sleep.  I'm less moody...so can more clearly focus on the tasks before me.  I "know" all off this (head-knowledge)...but lack wisdom (the application of this head-knowledge).  There have been several times over the last couple of weeks that I binged on sugar/soda/grease-burgers/milk-shakes, etc. and I felt like hell afterward.  Not only did I feel remorse, but I was freakin' sick (bloated, swollen, upset stomach, headache, blurred vision, shaky, crampy) and feeling like crap!  Another thing I noticed...after these binges, I could barely wake up the next day.  My theory is that just digesting all that food took every ounce of energy I had.  Just a theory...but, I may not be mistaken about that!

Also, (I know this isn't "news" to anyone reading this) once that behavior starts, it's so easy to just say "What the hell, I've blown it anyway" and just keep-on-keeping-on with uncontrolled eating.  I did a lot of that too.

I realize that my out-of-control eating is not cute.  Maybe some women can laugh off the fact that they ate a huge desert after a meal, or that they're stressed out and hitting the vending machine.  Or, that they went to a buffet or pot-luck and couldn't "behave".  I'm an addict.  And I say this because I still have bouts where I am powerless over my emotions and my eating behaviors are out of control.  So, when I overeat, it's a very bad thing.  It's called "back-sliding" and it triggers out of control binges.

In my story, I didn't get fat because I sit around on the couch, snacking and watching TV or laying around in the bed.  I work many, many hours and I have a pretty busy lifestyle.  I don't even have TV (cable or satellite).  I will occasionally rent DVD's but that's about it.  I'm not even a snacker, generally.  My problem ALWAYS stems from feeling out of control in my personal life.  What I mean by that is...when I have too much on my calendar or don't get proper rest or the bills overwhelm me., etc., etc, etc.  I consume myself with those things and neglect caring for myself personally (eating right, grocery shopping for healthy foods, writing my thoughts down, planning, setting goals, etc.) and the result is always the same...I end up binging.  I don't exactly understand it, but the food truly does "calm" me.  It's almost instantaneous.  It's SCARY how soothing it really is.  Click here to read an earlier post on my food addiction.  

I work part-time at a pizza buffet a couple of nights a week.  Last week I began noticing people as they went through and fixed their plates.  This is really a no-brainer, but thin people understand the concept that food is for fuel.  Some will go through and choose a variety of items.  Others will choose a certain entree and build around it.  The skinny people are not just eating salad!  They're eating whatever they want...but in moderation!  Wow!  What a concept!  I also watched the people who are overweight.  I don't watch them with disgust.  I watch them with concern.  Some are just beginning to gain wait while others are obese.  But, they all eat the same; piling food on their plates, coming back several times, getting refill after refill of soda.  It's sad to watch.  It's hard to watch people injure themselves.  Another thing I noticed is that often, these people are either eating alone or eating with their entire family of overweight people.

I am determined to change the way I handle my emotions and how I use food.  I've become more and more aware of how food physically makes me feel and I have to ask myself..."Why would I trade feeling energetic, steady, and in control for feeling sick, depleted, and regretful?"  I want to look and feel my very best...at the weight I'm at now and as I shrink.  I may have gotten up to 328.8 lbs, but I do not have to ever weigh that again.  There isn't a reason in the world that I can't get to a healthy weight that I'm happy with.  I won't settle for less than my dream and I'll not keep robbing myself of all the feelings associated with being in control over ones own lifestyle.

I'm going to sit down tonight and make a plan for the next 7 days.  And before those 7 days are up, I'm going to make a plan for the next 7.  I no longer believe that I can only handle one moment at a time.  I want to have a written plan to refer to at the 1ST sign of chaos.  I need to FEEL in control in order to BE in control.  It's just something I've learned about myself.