When I was young, I was fit and had a figure any woman would envy. With no intention of boasting, it's relevant to note that having a figure like that brings alot of attention. For me, it complicated my life. It delayed my understanding of my worth as a human being.....as a woman. I never learned the "art" of attraction. Nor, did I learn how to repel or confront negative attention. I became someone used...but not loved. I remember consciously making the decision to cut off my hair and put on weight after escaping a violent relationship. I remember the fear of not knowing how to keep myself safe from getting involved in another volatile relationship and believing that if I made myself physically unattractive to men then I could protect myself from pain and heartache. I spent 1 1/2 years isolated and in that condition. In a year and a half, you can develop behaviors that are seemingly irreversible. That was 15 years ago. That was the beginning of my eating to hide...eating to cope...eating to avoid. That was the beginning of my illness...my depression. Today, I still cut my hair off to punish myself. I still eat destructively. I still retract and hide away from the world for days at a time. For the last 9 years I've isolated myself from relationships by keeping a house unfit for company. Whether or not that was intentional, I'm still trying to analyze. All I'm trying to write about today is how my weight gain is a symptom of depression and (in a distorted way) an attempt to control my environment. It's out of control behavior and it's extremely hard to turn around. It's not just a matter of not eating fattening foods and getting exercise. There are underlying issues I must address to change my life. I'm desperate to change my life!
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future...... Jeremiah 29:11
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