As I sit here to write this post my eyes are overflowing with tears and I feel lost. I got on the scales this morning (after an emotionally difficult week) and have gained another 3.2 pounds. Once again, I'm over 300 lbs. I've been at this since September and, for the first time, I just feel like giving up. I'm so discouraged and I'm so upset with myself for my lack of will-power and commitment. It's just so depressing to see the numbers on the scale so rapidly leap upward and so rarely see a loss. Yes, I have to admit that I've not tried much this week; that I've had no plan; had no drive; still have not taken one step toward exercise. I hate that I'm so fat! I hate the way I look. I hate my skin. I hate my round face. I hate my short hair. I feel homely and dumpy. When I dress down, I feel like a slob and when I dress up I feel ridiculous. I'm just so unhappy in my own skin. I don't know what to do. I don't want to gain the weight back....but I've got soooooooooooooooo far to go that I just can't see myself making it. I still have 130 lbs to go go get to goal and I'm having so much trouble even keeping 30 off. I really don't know if I can do this....or if I should even try. I don't want to be fat and isolated all my life. How did I ever let my weight get so out of control? I hate myself for what I've become. That's the truth...and it's the biggest factor that keeps me from losing this weight. I hate myself...so, it's very hard to care for myself. I only do it out of duty....which is drudgery. I need inspiration. I need hope. Right now....I can't pull it up from my own spirit because I'm empty.
Cheri, If you didn't still care, you wouldn't have written that post. Weight loss is hard--not eating everything and as much of it as you want is hard.
ReplyDeleteI don't like myself after a gain, either, most of the time--but I get pretty tickled with myself when I lose. Same me either way. i don't know why weight loss/gain have such a self-worth bang for its buck. It just does.
Reread some of your posts. Read some of my posts--you know how I also struggle with this. But both our blogs hold inspiration, too.
As you have told me--just keep getting up. Deep breath time.
Consider some things--simple things that could be part of the problem.
Like, are you getting enough sleep? I eat when I'm too tired.
Are you wasting time doing unproductive and unrewarding things and leaving needed things undone? I eat when I've played on the computer and leave bill-paying and laundry go. The stress from small things like that really do exert a rather large toll. Makes you feel like a failure. The good news is that when I wash the clothes, I feel like a success. :)
Is your eating free of whichever food triggers a binge? (sugar? gluten? fat? whatever it is for you.)
Are you getting enough protein and veggies? Your body will want fed unless you are.
But, mostly relax. Be gentle with yourself. Regroup. Be willing to go easy. Take small, restful steps.
You are going to do this thing. You are.
Deb
I'm with Deb- you need to take a breather and try to calm down. Not to undermine your feelings at all, but giving up is NOT going to make you feel better. It's only going to perpetuate the problem. It sounds like you still feel like it's all or nothing...and you need to change that mindset. It's not all or nothing. It was 3 pounds. Not 30. You can lose it again. But you have to get up and try again. Just try to do one thing this week- if it's exercise 2 days this week, then do it. If it's drink all of your water and no soda, DO IT. YOU CAN DO THIS. Just try to forgive yourself as much as you can and relax. You've made it 30 pounds, you can do it again...
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