I'm Afraid.

Sometimes I forget I'm fat.  There are times when I feel so beautiful, so confident, so worthy of love that I forget that I'm fat.  Not fat.  "Morbidly obese".  I forget that I've aged and that I no longer have that beautiful hour-glass figure that I once had.  I forget that my hair no longer shines and my skin no longer glows.  For a little while today I forgot all of that.  For a little while today I felt beautiful.  I felt attractive.  I felt sexy even.  For a little while today, I really did.  I wanted to write about that.  But then I opened my blog, and saw my picture, again I was reminded that I have changed.  I'm no longer that beautiful woman I once was.  I'm not beautiful.  I'm homely.  I'm dumpy.  

My weight is keeping me from loving my life.  I'm held in bondage.  I have a HUGE fear of seeing old friends or relatives who haven't seen me in years.  I know they would be shocked by the change in me; how I've ballooned up into a woman untouchable.  

I think a lot about my dad.  It's been almost 11 years since I've seen him.  He'll be 70 years old in December.  I miss him and I want to see him so badly.  And I know I'm running out of time.  And the months and years keep going by and still I'm so big.  I know it will be shocking to him to see me this way when I was always such a beautiful daughter.  I'm afraid he'll be ashamed of what I've become.  He doesn't know me anymore and I know he'll never understand how this happened to me.  

And then there are friends.  Old friends who haven't seen me in years...who only know me now through the messages I write and from telephone conversations we've shared.  I've become a better woman on the inside, but I still want to hide.  I got fat in the first place because I wanted to hide from the world.  I wanted the sort of attention I was getting when I was younger to stop.  I put on pounds to narrow down the possibility of another failed relationship.  For nearly 20 years I've been successful at that. I succeeded when I lost control of myself. 

I've made such huge mistakes over the course of my lifetime.  My way of thinking has become so twisted that I can no longer even sort out truth from fiction when it comes to romantic relationships.  I opt, most often, for the relationships that are clearer to me....but those are the ones that lack sustenance.  Yet, I still believe that I am unlovable based solely on appearance.  It's that belief that makes me unlovable....not my appearance.  I "know" (head-knowledge) this yet, thus far, I've been unable to change my belief.  

I still panic at the thought of having to reveal my current frame to anyone who remembers me from my past; be it relatives, old femme friends....or any former love interest who might seek to re-kindle an old flame.  

My lack of self-esteem has robbed me and left me void and lonely.  And fearful.  I'm so afraid that, just as the pounds have layered on, that the years will continue to go by faster and faster and my condition still will not change.  I'll continue to avoid friendships; continue neglecting to foster family relationships; and run the opposite direction from love... wandering alone in a future laced with regret.

"God, I pray for your peace.  I pray for your love.  I pray for help is this matter.  I don't want to live alone.  I don't want to regret missed opportunities because I was fearful.  I've believed my own lies until they molded me.  I've believed my enemy.  I've been damaged, but I'm not destroyed.  I scream to be set free.  I will fight for this.  I will fight for my life.  I will not surrender to this distorted thinking.  But, I need your help to stop being afraid."