Well, I thought I would wait to post here for a time when I could bring some good news. Maybe I would wait 'til I dropped a coupla' pounds....or went for my next walk....or felt pretty in something I wore. I thought it would be best if I stayed away until I "pulled myself together" and could tell you (the World) how empowered I felt, or how I could drop something new here that would inspire a reader sinking in dispair. The truth is...I have nothing like that to report. All I have to say is this:
All day I've felt sad because (again) I've gotten into a place where I am neglecting myself. I'm working too hard, not saying "no" when I need to, not spending time I crave with my daughter. I'm not grocery shopping (and therefore not cooking) for healthy foods. I'm not keeping my clothes washed and ready so that I can put together outfits that make me feel like I look my best. I'm not sure that I've had a drop of water in a week (and we're in a severe heat wave here in Oklahoma). That's how far away I've gotten from caring for myself. I mean...water...it's the SIMPLEST thing to do, yet I've deprived myself from even that.
I'm not going to go on and on, or list any more examples of how far I've gotten away from caring for myself. What I will say is that I've been sitting here for several hours, emotionally and physically drained....angry and resentful toward everyone and everything that has distracted me from my goals.
But here's the truth. The absolute truth. It was ME who stole my time away. It was ME who distracted me from my plan. It was ME who decided that what I wanted wasn't as important as all the things that others wanted from me. It is I who only "penciled myself in" rather than making the time I need to care for myself a priority in my day. Only I can choose to pursue what was promised to me from the beginning. When I began this journey on September 11, 2009, My God assured me that it was time...and that I was equipped...and that he would lead me, he would train me, he would bring me ALL the way through....and that I was strong enough, and that I was capable....and that it was his intention that I get back to a place where I could live an abundant, healthy life. That He was there for me...to help me sort through all the emotions that have kept me in bondage. That He would show me why I was created and would show me purpose. I had no doubt about it when I began. So, why should I doubt it now. He told me it was time...and I think that meant it was time to put my health and my hopes at the top of my agenda; time to put me first long enough to repair some damage so that I could get myself out of the way and start living. Really living and experiencing the JOY that I only read/heard about (and saw in a certain few) and cried over because I couldn't obtain in. I know now that, until I get my own life (inward and outward) under control...I can't go any further. And He's giving me the opportunity to do that now. He's assured me that it's okay to put myself first. He's reminded me that He's got everything else under control. (Silly that I should even forget that...but, I do).
It will be my needs first for a bit....at least until I can do it as naturally as breathing air. I will write here more because it's mental hygiene for me and it really helps me expose my true thoughts and re-direct me to good order.
So, in advance, I'll warn that my entries may not be "inspiring" or "light-hearted" for a time...'til I can get to a brighter place myself. But, I feel like I can forgive myself for all the neglect I've recently exposed myself to and move forward, making amends and re-kindling my love for self. And, if you're not taking care of yourself, I just encourage you to sit down and write yourself a love letter, apologizing for all the ways you've neglected and mistreated yourself. Then move toward scheduling your time so that you can make yourself a priority in your day.
Protect your greatest asset. Without it, you have no means to change your world.
No need to try to write an "inspiring" post. With most bloggers, those posts often come off as insincere or contrived anyway.
ReplyDeleteYou write your honest stuff, sharing your insights and your struggles, and we'll be inspired plenty.
For example--THIS was an inspiring post. :)
Tending to ourselves is not selfish. We can find a way to fit that in without neglecting other necessary things. We can find lost time by putting down the gadgets and turning off the TV--and spend that time tending to ourselves, instead. We can put down the sugar and fat and nourish our bodies instead.
That only adds to our lives and the lives of family. It's a lie that choosing good things is selfish. Of course, I'm preaching to myself here. You may not allow your time to be consumed by things that have no benefit other than distracting yourself from life.
Hmmm. This should probably be a post on my blog,huh? sorry.
You go, girl!
Deb