Quit Now?

Why do I do it?  Why do I get careless when I start feeling success?  Why do I, when I start to feel powerful and in control, turn on myself like a jealous enemy?  Why do I then start to undermine my own authority over my own mind, body, and destiny by trying to manipulate my actions and introducing thoughts of inadequacy and dependence on remaining out of control?  It sounds crazy that a person would be satisfied to feed that attitude and to surrender to being obese.  Yes, it is warped thinking, yet I continue to find myself contemplating the idea that I will always be fat.  I've lost nearly 30 lbs so far.  I'm feeling better, physically.  I'm beginning to receive a few compliments here and there.  My clothes are lest restrictive.  I'm choosing water over sweet drinks more often.  There are plenty of noticeable changes occurring.  This should be motivating...yet, in a sick way...it's debilitating.  I get to a certain place and I just want to stop and stay there.  Stay at 301 lbs?  Can you imagine that even being an option I would consider?  Yet, I sure did.  I've already come farther than I thought possible.  In the past, I usually quit after the first 10 lbs. lost.  I get a tiny bit of success under my out-to-the-last-notch belt, and I just quit.  I decide that change is not "for me" and I just give up.  I buy looser clothes and maybe color my hair and call it "change" and go on about my busy little life.  I have been giving it a lot of thought today.  It's fear.  Fear of change.  Fear of failure.  Fear of pushing.  Fear of disappointing myself (again).  But, I'm also thinking....."What if...?"  What if I keep at it one more day?  What if I start believing that I can be slim?  What would happen if I started seeing myself in that red dress?  A couple of days ago, I started thinking....I'll just put that dress on now.  Why was I thinking that?  It's because I wasn't sure I could get 12 more pounds off.  Not that I couldn't get 12 more pounds off by my birthday, but that I couldn't get 12 more pounds off period!  How ridiculous is that?  Of course I can!  And I WILL have the 12 lbs off by my birthday.  There is absolutely no reason in the world that I cannot make and reach desired goals.  There isn't!  I'm going to make it.  That me that keeps trying to interfere with my success is about to get the boot!  Those of you who know her....you'd better say your good-bye's because she's outta here!!!  I'm tired of messing with her.  I'm going to deal with her once and for all and set her straight!  I'm making changes and there's no room for her in what I'm about to do!