Stress, Anxiety, and Anger....

...play havoc on my weight loss. 

Lately, I find myself more out of peace than in.  Bitterness is taking root once again.  I find myself complaining (out loud) more and more.  The more I verbalize my unhappiness, the more I find it consuming me.  The more I think about it...the angrier I become.  I find myself judging others more and more frequently.  This was not my former nature...but is becomming what I am.  A judge.  A jury.  And an executioner.  I have less and less compassion for people.  Not for everyone.  Just for the people who I deem unworthy of my sympathy.  I get aggivated.  I lose patience.  No, I'm not screaming and yelling.  Hopefully, I'm not biting people's heads off.  But, I am just tired of most people's bull crap.  I know it's "me" who has the problem because I'm seeing fault in so many others. 

And my back hurts.  My stomach hurts.  I'm at the edge of tears.  My jaw is tight.  I'm so tense, my muscles ache.  I'm sleeping more and more just to get away.  I've gained so much weight.  And I care.  And I don't.  I've lost my focus on myself and my well-being and I'm qualifying my self-worth by how people treat me.

I have a boss who wears me thin and has no appreciation for my hard work.  I have a son whose poor choices force me to helplessly watch while his life disintegrates.  I have a daughter whose lack of respect is evident through her attitude, her actions, and through the way she talks to me.

So, I eat.  I sleep.  I stay angry to avoid sadness.  I retreat from caring for myself because I feel guilt for my lack of control and I feel abandoned. 

Life has been hard.  I look forward to the parenting stage of my life to be over because I feel like a failure at it and no longer want the responsibility.  I have an overwhelming sense of guilt for even feeling this way.  But I do feel this way and I'm ready to cross the finish line.  I feel relieved, at least, that I made it all the way through.  That is an accomplishment.  But, how poorly I parented just adds to my shame and hatred of self. 

Sometimes I dream of having a relationship with a man who might make me feel pretty and valued.  But, most of the time, I just brush that entire idea aside....and eat and sleep to avoid the possibility. 

I don't know if I'll ever be right.  I don't know if I'll ever get an handle on my weight again.  I lost all control of myself.  I've disappointed myself. 

And I'm terrified.  If I can gain 13 pounds in 5 days but not loose weight willingly...then how big will I actually become?  I don't see an end in sight.  I don't see myselft losing it now.  I wish I could love myself enough to believe it is possible for me to be thin and strong.  I have lost all enthusiam for change.  My mindset is scaring me. 

And fear keeps me eating and sleeping and self-destructing. 

Please, God, help me.