Why Should I Stay Mad At Me? Celebrating 25.

I have been so angry with myself lately for not sticking to my plan, for letting my schedule get overloaded to the point where I am unable to tend to my personal needs/goals, for becoming disorganized, for reaching for sweet snacks and sodas.  I've been kicking myself for weeks.  Not in the butt (which is necessary to get me going sometimes), but in the ribs, the back, the head....all the places so reachable when I'm already down.  I have let myself down.  Or...so it seemed to me 'til just a few minutes ago.

I'm not here to make excuses for myself.  In fact, I'll be the first to say "there are no excuses" for not taking care of yourself and taking control of your own life.  And I'm not even going to list a bunch of facts going over where I've been for the last 6 weeks or so. 

What I did come to write about was that, even though I had 35 lbs off at one time, I've managed to "somewhat" maintain my weight loss thusfar.  Yes, I've gained a few lbs over the last several weeks.  But, I can tell you this....I may be back up over 300# (insert sad face here) but I'm not 328.8 again.  And I'm not even the 312 I climbed back up to while off on that ridiculous work schedule.  I have dropped back to 304.  Yeah.....304.  That's A LOT!  But I have lost 25 lbs!  I HAVE LOST 25 LBS!  I've not seen the 40# mark (yet)...and I've got to get back to the 35# mark before I can feel like I'm back on track.....but, I'VE LOST 25 LBS!  More importantly than that is this:  I have not given up!  I've had numerous setbacks.  I've struggled terribly.  I still have that stinkin' red dress hanging in the closet gathering dust.  I'm, for the (I think) 4th time back up over 300#'s.  Yep, I'm gonna be "fortyer" soon and I swore when I started this blog that I was not gonna be fatter AND fortyer.  And I'm not.  I'm 25 lbs lighter.  No, it's not the 60#'s I originally hoped to have off in a year.  And I've not reached my 40# goal I set soooooooooooo long ago.  And I could beat myself up all day long about that and where would it get me?  It would get me fatter by the time I'm fortyer. 

So, instead...I choose to forgive myself.  To re-visit my motives for losing weight.  To renew my commitment to care for myself and to become the best I can be.  Had I never began this journey, I have no doubt that I may have put ON 25 lbs rather than taking it off.  So, I'd say I'm doing okay. 

I am rested up now and ready to take on the challenge once again.  I remember how the little victories felt along the way.  I remember the changes I was noticing with my body and with my thinking.  I am ready to get back at it. 

I did broke down and buy a bathroom scale and will, for awhile, weigh myself daily just to keep better control of my weight 'til things are back under control.  I had put on 17 lbs in 6 weeks while I was working 70-80 hr work-weeks.  I knew I was gaining but really had no idea I had put on that much!  I've taken 8 lbs off in a week (surely most of it was water from the stress of the schedule).  I've already eaten off plan (what plan? I haven't been "planning" anything) today, but I will finish out the day making healthy choices.  And I will start over again tomorrow. 

And one more thing.  I'm going to start having fun.  I'm going to start making time for friendships and relationships.  I love my job and am grateful to be employed.  But I cannot meet my goals if I allow myself to become distracted and over-tired.  This is MY life.  I am responsible to myself to make good decisions for myself.  No more excuses for me.  I'm not spending one more day out of control.  Nope, I ain't!