Signed Up For Jillian's Plan

I have been feeling just horrible lately.  I've been sluggish and exhausted.  I've been winded when I talk.  I've been distracted.  I've been disorganized and I've neglected myself and the personal goals I'd earlier established for myself, as if I (my health, well being, and personal pride) didn't matter.  My clothes are squeezing me again and I don't feel attractive in anything I put on.  I've got 2 steps in the front of my house and I can barely climb them to get into the house.  That's pathetic!  I am 45 years old and I can barely climb my own front steps!  I started thinking yesterday about how much denial I've actually been in.  Because I have no immediate health problems (ie: no high blood pressure, no diabetes, no heart disease.  I don't smoke.  I can bend and lift and move) I have ignored that fact that I am obese.  Morbidly obese is the correct term.  I am currently 143 lbs overweight.  That is like being the size of two full-grown adult women....yet, it's only me.  My self-esteem has been shattered.  Where I used to spend some time dating....I now make excuses to avoid men.  I don't answer phone calls if I think they may be opportunities to go out with male friends.  I ditch anyone I haven't seen in years because I've gained so much weight and am petrified at the thought of distant friends/family see me at my enormous size.  I haven't seen my own father in over 10 years and know I need to see him, yet I'm too embarrassed to plan a visit.  I don't want him to see what I've become.  I'm ashamed of myself.  I watch people in public places.  I see people in all stages of health.  And when I see people my age who are fit and healthy and energetic....I'm in awe....and wish I were living as well as they are.  When I see people younger than I am who's weight is only just starting to get out of hand...I want to grab them and warn them of how quickly time goes by and how "tomorrows" and their successes are formed in today's decisions and commitments.  And the thing that has me afraid now is seeing people in their 50's, crippled up, walking with canes, having to sit at regular intervals, riding in motorized shopping carts, limping/waddling because they can no longer support their bodies on their deteriorating legs.  I think of the irreversible damage that I'm doing to my feet and knees...and to my hips and back.  I'm only 45 years old and am noticing that there are things I cannot do and it frightens me!  Where did I lose control?  I've been overweight for all of my 30's and 40's.  At least 15 years have gone by while I steadily got bigger and bigger.  I'm now becoming debilitated.  It was subtle...starting with needing to rest several times while doing seemingly simple household chores.  Dread began to creep in and keep me from doing the things I had normally done before.  I noticed about 2 years ago that I could hardly dance anymore (something I absolutely loved to do before I got so heavy) without becoming winded and tired and sweaty and unable to maintain my rythim for even one song...let alone dancing the night away.  I surrendered to everything that challenged me until I eventually retreated from my former self into this immobile, tired old woman I see in the mirror today.  

But that fear has not yet overtaken me!  I refuse to live like this.  I can control this.  My weight is only out of control because I've allowed it to happen.  I am not sick.  I am not powerless.  And it is not too late for me to turn this around!  I refuse to let 5 more years go by...when I turn 50 years old and can't participate in life!  I want to live.  And I want to live well!  And I want to feel beautiful and be healthy and strong.  I know it is not too late!  I want this as much this moment as I did when I began.  I did not fully apply myself to the task.  I did for a bit, but got lax.  I don't have any more time to waste!  I have to take control right now!  And I have to love myself.  And I have to go.  I have to walk this thing out.  I have to set my goals...create my plan....fix my eyes ahead...and do this...right now, today!  And I will!

Last night I signed up last night for Jillian Michaels' weight loss plan.  My downfall has always been my hectic lifestyle and my impatience when it comes to planning out my daily meals.  I chose this program because everything is laid out for me.  Meals are planned.  Workouts are planned.  Everything is prepared and put in front of me.  All I have to do is decide to follow the plan.  So, today, I'm doing that.  I'm gonna go sit down right now and write some goals for myself (including the plan to get there and the timeline to do it in).  When I'm done, I'll come back and post the plan here.  I've postponed this long enough.  I've already got my grocery shopping out of the way and have healthy foods in the house.  I've eaten my first planned meal and it was delicious.  

I'm starting back at this today and am going out armed with a plan....a map....a course outlined.  I'm going out with determination.  I'm going to change my life.  I'm going to save it.