Back To The Topic Of Self-Loathing

I want to talk about a very serious topic today.  Self-loathing.  There is no greater an enemy and no more destructive a power.  To hate oneself eats away at the soul and destroys creativity.  Along this journey I have become hyper aware of how women speak to themselves and how body image is all-consuming with so many.  Beautiful women are stifled by fear and internal voices which tell them that they're not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough.  Those voices break the spirit of the most beautiful of women.  Being positioned in a state of fear and lack of self-worth makes women vulnerable to comments (whether direct or indirect) which only add to shame and embarrassment.  Even the subtlest of comments can cause a woman to retreat even further into herself.  I do it myself.  I fear the mirror (even to the point of applying my makeup with a compact mirror to avoid seeing my entire face).  I only recently bought a full length mirror to check my outfits in.  And although it's good for me to do this, it hurts me when I look at myself in the whole.  I do it so I can get used to it.  I want to learn to love myself over the course of this journey.  

Last night a friend told me of an incident at her home where her fiance made a comment while she was eating that upset her so badly that she thew her plate in his face.  Her anger was exhibited toward him for a moment but then quickly turned inwardly toward herself.  It was late in the evening and she had been eating her first meal of the day (which tells me something about her punishing herself to begin with).  Then, after the fight, she talked about having to start her diet right now "whether she wanted to or not".   That statement worried me because, I believe that until you're ready, dieting will only add to your self hatred.  Your self-worth will be externally based:  whether you did "good" or "bad" today....whether you were complimented or not today.  I just feel like no one can really do this successfully (meaning getting the weight off and KEEPING it off) until they are ready to do it for themselves.  Until they are ready to see themselves as valuable and capable, strong and beautiful.  

Yes, as overweight women, we struggle with this daily.  It's a mental state that has to be nurtured.  We have to keep ourselves grounded, keep things in perspective, and be realistic about the challenges that come to destroy our mind-set.  

I began this journey when I became tired of being fat.  I began this when I realized that, if I didn't make changes, that I was going to become a sick, old woman.  I began when I realized that the other positive things about me, my sense of humor, my intelligence, my creativity, my joy was all being pushed further and further back behind layers of fat which were inhibiting me.  I began this the day I realized that I was capable of making life-lasting changes if only I would choose to love myself.

I'm no expert.  I've not mastered this.  It's a daily battle.  I'm learning more and more about myself as the days go by.  But I ache for the women who aren't where I am yet; who haven't come to understand the importance of seeing themselves as wonderfully made and equipped with all they need for success.  My heart breaks when I hear them make derogatory comments about themselves (as I'm sure those who love me feel when I speak that way of myself).

I am still so heavy....so overweight.  I'm still dangerously overweight in fact.  But, I can't hate myself any longer.  Every time I get down on myself, I set myself back.  I sabotage my work.  I have prepared myself mentally for this battle.  I realize that it is going to take a long time for me to get to my goal weight.  I understand that I won't be "perfect" in the fight.  But, I have become more of a strategist....more of  warrior...and I am going to make it.  I'm educating myself and opting for safe, healthy routes.  I'm not taking short-cuts because I want the best for myself.  I want to "suffer" through the mind changes that must occur for me to successfully get and keep the weight off for life.  I no longer choose to ignore the thinking that got me to be 328.8 pounds.  I am going to conquer the demons (the emotions) that have stolen the last 20 years of my life while I packed the pounds on.  Being "skinny" is not my goal.  Being beautiful and sound-of-mind is. 

And it's my hope for all who enter the battle.