Suicide

I have a friend who tried to commit suicide Tuesday morning.  I had spoken to him only hours before and, although he mentioned that he had been suicidal "lately", he was laughing and joking, singing me songs and sharing some things about his life that made me feel like he was hopeful in a future.  Less than 6 hours later he cut his own throat.  

For 5 days I have thought about him without ceasing.  I've prayed.  I've cried.  I've secluded myself to have some time to reflect on what happened.  To think that a man could come to a moment where he could take his own life frightens me.  What desperation he must have felt for the pain to stop.  

We have all felt pain.  We all have emotions which overtake us.  For the obese, we have eaten.  We have punished ourselves.  We have tortured ourselves.  We distance ourselves from reality, because we can't face it at times.  

My friend....he is talented.  When we first became acquainted, I was drawn to his charismatic personality.  He was articulate, intelligent, witty, funny.  He was outgoing.  He was fearless.  And as we became friends, I found him to be open and learned he had passions and dreams.  He's a songwriter (among other things) - and songs are born in the heart - which means he has soul and he's beautiful.

Had he died that day, all that beauty and talent and all that is in him that touches other lives would have died with him. 

We've all been depressed.  I battle with it daily.  My battle scars have formed as rolls under my skin.  My fears may not be expressed through words but they are evident to the world by my size.  Self-loathing is something that takes life.  It inflicts pain.  It tortures.  It separates.  And it condemns.  

When I talk about my friend, I talk about how wonderful he is.  About what a marvelous person he is.  But he doesn't see it and he tried to kill himself.  Had he died....what a tragedy it would have been.  Knowing that there were still so many lives he could have blessed with his friendship and talents...but who could have missed out on knowing him deeply saddens me.

I think more and more about how I must use the gifts God has planted in me to bring light and life into the people whose paths I cross.  I can't keep hiding in a corner, trying not to be noticed, hoping to not be asked to aid someone only because I feel inadequate in this world.  

I was born for a reason.  I was created to be a friend.  To love.  To teach.  To reach.  I am not like anyone else in this world.  There are things in me that no one else has the ability to share in exactly the same way I have to deliver it.  I have to stop hiding.  I have to become healthy and strong, both physically and mentally to take my place in this world and to stop robbing others of those things which are pent up inside me.  It's not about me anymore.  I want to live a rich, abundant life...giving more than I take...and I don't want to waste a minute more of this life.  Someone out there loves me and needs me.  Who?  I may never know...and it doesn't matter whether or not I'm ever told.  But, I will not let my light be snuffed out under layers of flesh intended to separate me from the living.  

For God has set me free and I've never felt more grateful.

R.S., You are in my thoughts.  You're in my prayers.  I thank God for your birth and I thank God for bringing you into my life.  You are perfect in the eyes of our Maker and you have gifts yet to give.  Every time I think of you, I will thank God that you are alive and under His protection.  Peace be in your heart and courage in your belly.  I love you and you are not alone.  Keep walking.  You'll come out from this dark place and your hope will be restored.