It had been three weeks since I had stepped on the scales. After my last weigh in on April 22nd, I just gave up. I was just so discouraged because I had kept gaining and was once again over the 300 lb mark. That number makes me feel so much shame. I couldn't handle the emotional ride of seeing the numbers on the scales rise week after week. Rather than get a hold of myself and get back on track, I just gave up. I just ate "whatever" with no plan, no commitment, no drive, and no regularity. I just didn't care. I just ate. I think I even pushed back the idea that I was going to gain it all back (and get even bigger) if I didn't change my eating habits permanently. I tried to convince myself that I could just "take a break" and hope to maintain my weight loss. Everyone knows that it doesn't work that way. Hell, my own experience has proven that to me time-and-time again! That thinking is deceptive and acting on it is disasterous!
Losing 133 pounds is going to take self-discipline. It's going to take a plan and determination. It's going to take educating myself. It's going to take hope and a positive self-image. It's going to take TIME! And every day I delay, and every pound I gain, only prolongs the process of recovery. I want to be a normal weight. I want to be healthy. I want to have energy. I want to be attractive. I want nice clothes. I want self-confidence. I want....I want....I want, yet I have abandoned my plan to obtain these things.
Losing 133 pounds is going to take self-discipline. It's going to take a plan and determination. It's going to take educating myself. It's going to take hope and a positive self-image. It's going to take TIME! And every day I delay, and every pound I gain, only prolongs the process of recovery. I want to be a normal weight. I want to be healthy. I want to have energy. I want to be attractive. I want nice clothes. I want self-confidence. I want....I want....I want, yet I have abandoned my plan to obtain these things.
At one point along this journey I was down 32 lbs from my starting weight. I was still so big....but I was stoked! I hadn't changed even one clothing size. I hadn't turned any heads. I hadn't run a marathon (or even taken a walk). I still had that red dress I want to wear so badly hanging in the closet gathering dust and going out of style. But, what I did have was a plan with goals in place. And I was able to measure my success by those goals. And the more goals I achieved and surpassed, the more confident I came and the more determined I was to get to the next one.
I got up the nerve to weigh on Friday morning and I was up. I am 13.8 lbs up from my lowest weight of 295 (my weight 9 weeks ago). The last time I weighed what I do today was back in October. I have sabotaged myself and have set myself back months! I have lost so much ground. This is a fact and I can't change it now. I don't have time to take "breaks" or to belittle myself to the point of immobility. I have a task to undergo. I am getting up and finishing what I started!I have options, but the only wise choice is to get up, dust my (still smaller than when I started) butt off, and get back on the road. In my post Quit Now?, I was struggling like I am today. And, although I've really become frail in my thinking, I am still not ready to quit this. I want to be well. I am capable of doing this if I will not give up. I have to just chalk this "diversion" up to immaturity and a lack of self-discipline and move on. It's hard for me to say this (again), but I don't want to be a 300# woman and I have to do all I can to save myself from this destruction. To continue to gain weight would be devastating; both emotionally and physically. I am not willing to stop fighting and there's no more time to waste.
To dreams, goals, and realities...............and to the men and women who inspire me!
Hi, Cheri! Welcoome back. I've been thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteAlthough my current post rercords a crash and burn, I have been doing much, much, much better. (33 days w/out a binge!)
I am astounded by what has helped. Chuckle. It may seem obvious to you, but I am not sane when it come to food, so it's kind of surprising news to me. (I do understand that it might not be helpful to you--everyone is different.
My trick? Well, first is not the trick. I cut out gluten. If gluten doesn't trigger binges for you, there's no need to do that. It was key for me.
Okay, now the trick. I am eating FIVE servings of VEGETABLES every day. E V E R Y D A Y. I pretty much despise most vegetables, so that means my variety is small. (cauliflower, mushrooms, cabbage, carrots, cucumbers, salad greens, broccoli, tomatoes about sums it up.) I do not count potatoes as a veggie. :)
What I've found is that the veggies fill me up w/ very little calories.
Oh. I guess I have two tricks. At night, because of the veggies, I usually have a feww HUNDRRED cals left unused from my 1200 cal allowance. :D I make banana food-processor "ice cream" to use them up.
If you're not familiar with that, it's just frozen bananas whipped up in a food processor for about 5 minutes. You can add other fruit. It tastes amazingly like ice cream and does not trigger a binge for me.
Anyway, welcome back. If my veggie & fruit tricks don't work for you--something will. Just keep looking. And keep on keeping at it.
Deb
There is a book out there that I would recommend you reading its titled "Women, God and Food" it really takes you down the road in dealing with the WHY of being overweight - not the physical why but the emotional why. I don't know about you, but for me and people I know like myself that have struggled their whole life with their weight - the weight is just a symptom of another problem. I have spent over 20 years hating my body, hating how I looked because I got it in my head that what was on the outside mattered more...as I delve more into the emotions and the long-since shelved issues that drive me to be a self-loather and overeater (goes hand in hand) I am becoming more aware of my need to embrace myself as me before I can really make lifelong changes in my weight. Dieting is a vicious cycle and I know all people that diet think that if they lose the weight that somehow life will be more wonderful - but having had lost the weight before, I can say - I was just as unhappy as a size 8 as I am as a size 14. There's something more to it all and I think you're a good place to pick up this book and see if it offers you any perspective. Just a suggestion. Regardless of that, I hope you continue to walk forward in this journey - if for no other reason than to see what comes your way. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteYou have been such an inspiration to me. I am rooting for you, now. Don't allow the seeming gain to dishearten you. It's more than likely just water weight. I go up and down 10, or so, pounds in that time frame too.
ReplyDeleteI would like to see you do more weighing in, so you can average the readings over a week. above all, I know you can do anything you want to. I sooo want to see you happy. And never forget, at any size, you are gorgeous; and the world knows it.