It's been the largest part of a year since my last post. Since then.... I've turned 50, lost 29 more pounds - for a total of 55 (so far). I (temporarily) broke my 20 year "single" streak .... only to get cheated on and used. (Eight months into it, I finally dumped the dude). I learned that I still have very little control of my anger when I'm emotionally wounded. I've learned that my self-esteem is so much more fragile than those who admire me see. I've quit the job I followed to Oklahoma. There have been a million changes, The year has been a roller-coaster ride and has played havoc on my sense of well-being.
There have been some positive moments which should not go un-mentioned. I've completed two 5K walks - which was something I had promised myself I'd try before I turned 50. The first time, I finished last... but I finished! I was so proud of myself! The next walk.... I think there was one or two stragglers behind me that time. I climbed 5th street hill and felt like such a bad ass ! *Eye of the tiger plsying in my head* I learned to cook basic meals that taste WONDERFUL!
But, I'm battling a lot of demons lately. Depression keeps trying to take hold. I keep questioning my reason for wanting to lose weight. I'm overly concerned about what my body might look like once I lose the weight. I do picture myself as being very energetic in the end. I worry about sickness more than I should. I think some part of me says that, if I do this, what if at the end I get sick with some disease or some cancer or something? These are all crazy thoughts that go through my head that seem to be preventing me from really digging in and moving forward. The break up with the boyfriend, even though beneficial, still feels like a setback. The fact that he cheated on me has me questioning my self worth. I'm disappointed in myself that I haven't emotionally come further than this on his journey. other people come to me and tell me I inspire them. I feel like I've deceived them somehow because they don't know how I cry at night when I'm alone. or how I question my own sanity at times. or how I sometimes just want to stop breathing, stop feeling, stop fighting. Sometimes I get discouraged when I think about how much further I have to go. I've neglected to set small goals like I was doing in the beginning. I think when I missed the last goal when I didn't make it and I miss the mark I think that's the day that I kind of just stop believing that I could do this. Something that simple and that minute derailed me. It was probably a combination of that, the loss of my job, the loss of my boyfriend. Even though he was a jerk, he was here every day and now he's gone. I feel disoriented much of the time. I don't know sometimes how long I'm gonna stay off track and that scares me. I'm worrying about stuff I don't even need to worry about this should be a day by day one day at a time situation but I've gotten off track by looking too far out in the distance. Things I warn other people not to do I'm doing. I need to listen to my own advice I think. I've been doing this for a while - about about a year and a half so I've got a few tools on my belt, a few tricks up my sleeve and a little more wisdom than I had when I began. My pastor always said that knowledge "applied" is wisdom so I need to apply those things that I know. I think right now I need to set a mini gole. Today is a March 24th and I need to set a goal to get back to my 60 pound loss within 2 weeks. That will take a lot of work and a whole lot of faith. but I need to take control of my life again I need to take control of my thoughts and my feelings and, in turn, change my action. I don't want to stay here where I am now and I certainly don't want to go backward. It's time for me to change my way of thinking to get back to the place where I know that I am capable. I've already shown myself to be capable. It's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other and continuing forward - not looking to the left or to the right now looking behind but looking forward believing in myself... using the tools that I have acquired along this journey to build a future for myself. I still weigh nearly 300 pounds... I believe its 287 today... but I feel pretty good physically. Much better than I felt 55 pounds ago. I'm going to start looking at those changes I've made reminding myself how far I've come. I was remembering tonight how a couple of years ago I couldn't walk to the corner store from my house. I was extremely winded and my body hurts so bad and I didn't believe I could do it and I really struggle to get there and now I've walked a couple of 5 K's and climb that massive hill and I'm cleaning houses and being physical and I still weigh 287. How am I going to feel 20 pounds lighter? Undoubtedly wonderful! I know this is a rambling post but it's the first time I've put anything down in writing for a while. I written myself little notes of encouragemen. I've written myself a little little words of hate too, but I'm going to go back to publicly expressing my feelings and my emotions and sharing my journey, sharing my struggle, sharing my accomplishments, being candid, being real, being me.
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