324...Only 4 To Go

It's happened.  I swore it wouldn't.  But it has (nearly).  I've gained back all but 4 lbs of the weight I lost.  I haven't even tried to keep it off.  I gave up.  And this was the result.  Three times I dropped under 300 lbs and three times I promised myself that I would never be a 300 lb woman again.  Yet, here I am...324 lbs, scared, out-of-control, tired, nervous, and still not healed or whole.

And I'm still writing.  I'm still hoping to become healthy, and happy, and energetic, and beautiful.  I'm still hoping to become a better woman, self-controlled and powerful.  I want energy and confidence. 

For awhile, I had gained much of that.  I was feeling great!  I had energy.  I was keeping busy.   My mind was not bogged down with fear and thoughts of lack and inferiority.  I was doing something positive.  I was making changes.  I was examining myself.  I was beginning to see myself as a beautiful person.  As a quality person.  I was judging myself.  Not with harshness....but with love.  And that love allowed me to begin the changes neccessary to begin my weight loss journey.  And I was seeing results!

And I must do it again.  I was created to succeed.  And I "know" (head-knowledge) that I am fully equipped to prosper.  But, my heart has lost the grasp it briefly had around that reality and I've slipped right back into a defeated attitude which has robbed me of my short-lived victories.  I must remember that the battle is won (and lost) in mind-set.  And I am able to change my mind-set decision-by-decision, hour-by-hour, event-by-event, remembering that even ONE pound lost is achievement.  I don't have to have 100 lbs off before I can be named "Successful". 

I know I keep saying this, but I'm going to say it again (for I have no one to convince but myself).  I have not given up.  I will not gain these last 4 lbs back and I will regain the lost ground and I will move forward. 

Today, I'm going to sit down and write down some realistic goals for myself.  I'm not going to worry about the entire 159 lbs I would like to lose.  I will reframe my thoughts and bring them back into submission.  "The mind controls the body".... a reality .... whether positive or negative.  A positive outcome is truly as simple as keeping my thought-life in order.  The rest will fall into order. 

I will start over and I will lose a pound.  And then I will lose another.  And then another.  And that is the promise I will make myself today...the only promise I know I can keep.  And I will not be FAT...ter AND FORTY...er!