The worst part of depression, for me are the outbursts of anger that harm all the people around me...and to myself. My self-loathing and my inattentiveness to the subtle signs that warn me that I'm getting too close to the edge of sanity cause so much harm. I'm prone to fits of rage that I can't control once they've begun. I am completely aware of what I'm doing, and saying but powerless to stop the rants that ensue once I lose control of myself. I can only describe it as pressure...pressure that wells up inside of me....slowly, really....but the pressure builds and builds until it just erupts. I try to calm myself to no avail. The outcome is always the same. All the anxiety, bitterness, hatred, self-loathing, fear, shame, regret come pouring out of me.....a boiling cesspool....a flood of death. My first instinct, when I feel this way, is to run far and fast to another place. To run anywhere to protect the people around me...but I have nowhere to go. Voices scream inside of me telling me how filthy I am, how I will never be loved, how sick I am. I feel instant shame. I feel instant hatred of self. I feel pain. I can't escape those screaming sounds. They're inside of me. They go with me wherever I am. At times, tears accompany the pain....other times the tears can't flow. I try to apologize for the things I say, but over the years, apologies mean nothing anymore....although I am sincerely sorry. I hate that I am so angry inside. I hate that the people closest to me see me so distraught. I hate that my words are so destructive and unkind. I'm like a storm....beautiful only from a distance but frightening from the moment the first bolt of lightening strikes the earth. These storms leave behind an awareness of how chaotic and dangerous my life has become and how destructive my thought patterns are. When the storm passes, I'm left to wade in deep puddles of dread contemplating ways to die....desperate not to feel this way....and terrified of the next episode which is sure to come. And I eat. And I cry. And I go on. October 29, 2010
Depression
The worst part of depression, for me are the outbursts of anger that harm all the people around me...and to myself. My self-loathing and my inattentiveness to the subtle signs that warn me that I'm getting too close to the edge of sanity cause so much harm. I'm prone to fits of rage that I can't control once they've begun. I am completely aware of what I'm doing, and saying but powerless to stop the rants that ensue once I lose control of myself. I can only describe it as pressure...pressure that wells up inside of me....slowly, really....but the pressure builds and builds until it just erupts. I try to calm myself to no avail. The outcome is always the same. All the anxiety, bitterness, hatred, self-loathing, fear, shame, regret come pouring out of me.....a boiling cesspool....a flood of death. My first instinct, when I feel this way, is to run far and fast to another place. To run anywhere to protect the people around me...but I have nowhere to go. Voices scream inside of me telling me how filthy I am, how I will never be loved, how sick I am. I feel instant shame. I feel instant hatred of self. I feel pain. I can't escape those screaming sounds. They're inside of me. They go with me wherever I am. At times, tears accompany the pain....other times the tears can't flow. I try to apologize for the things I say, but over the years, apologies mean nothing anymore....although I am sincerely sorry. I hate that I am so angry inside. I hate that the people closest to me see me so distraught. I hate that my words are so destructive and unkind. I'm like a storm....beautiful only from a distance but frightening from the moment the first bolt of lightening strikes the earth. These storms leave behind an awareness of how chaotic and dangerous my life has become and how destructive my thought patterns are. When the storm passes, I'm left to wade in deep puddles of dread contemplating ways to die....desperate not to feel this way....and terrified of the next episode which is sure to come. And I eat. And I cry. And I go on. 
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:( Honey I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling again. I have you in my prayers- hope you know that.
ReplyDeleteIt's a struggle. These feelings come and go. The burden is the randomness of it all. I need better coping skills. I'm going to concentrate more on the emotions and signals that lead up to these outbursts. I don't want to hurt anymore. I am determined to seek out and practice better coping skills. One way I cope is to write. I know sometimes my postings are depressing, but it's my therapy. And when I began this, I committed to face my addictions and fears head-on....and exposing them! Please understand and know that I really am going to be okay.
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