Almost Too Embarrassed to Write

I'm a bit ashamed for all the time I've wasted along my weight loss journey.  I started off so strong and was so proud of myself.  With all sincerity, I truly believed I was in the right frame of mind to succeed.  I was fed up with being fat and out of shape and eager for change! 

But just a couple of months into it....life got wild (as it does for everyone from time to time) and I lost focus.  I started working tons of hours (just like I had when I started losing control of my weight years ago).  I stopped shopping for healthy foods; stopped planning; stopped tracking; stopped exercising (which hadn't even become a "habit" yet).  I got so busy that I was basically only working and sleeping (more working than sleeping) and intent on doing a "perfect" job at work and allowing my own health and well-being to be pushed aside. 

I had promised myself that I would evaluate my behaviors and analyze the thinking behind those behaviors.  But, to do that, requires a time of reflection....which doesn't come when you're racing haphazardly through your day, your week, your month.  And now another year has gone by and I'm back to old behaviors, old habits.  I've neglected myself all over again.  Abandoned myself really. 

How could I start off so gung-ho and just fizzle out?  It happens when you don't love yourself.  It happens when you don't see yourself as valuable and worth care and attention.  It happens when you take your life for granted and think "tomorrow" I'll start.  "Tomorrow" I'll do things differently.  "Tomorrow" I'll do something good for myself.  But, "today"....I've got to hurry and get this done...go here...be there.  "Today" I'm too tired to think about it.  "Today" I'm just stressed out, tired, busy, .... sick. 

I've named my blog "I just can't be FAT...ter and Forty...er.  I named it that because I realized I had wasted too much time...and that I was gonna keep on getting older...but that I didn't have to keep on getting fatter!  I have gained all but 10 pounds of the weight I lost.  For that, I am regretful.  I should not have let that happen.  I should not have let another year slip away.  I should not have lied to myself and allowed myself to put my goals off 'til tomorrow. 

I have turned it around.  I'm doing "better"...but must admit, I still don't have my mind wrapped around it like I had at the beginning.  That's what happens when you don't nurture yourself and control your thoughts.  The mind does control the body.  Being focussed will keep me on track and take me where I need to be. 

I don't want to live like this anymore.  I don't want to feel all the physical pain that's associated with being nearly twice my healthy body weight.  OMG!!!  I just realized that!  I am literally two times as heavy as my ideal body weight.  No wonder my knees kill me.  No wonder I'm sitting with ice on my lower back and hip while I write this.  No wonder my feet are so broken down that even "sensible" shoes are incredibly uncomfortable.  I'm tired of not having energy.  I'm tired of feeling so sluggish.  And....I'm healthy (remarkably) but still feel like crap most of the time. 

I almost didn't write at all, because I'm embarrassed about how much time I've wasted and how much weight I've gained.  I know there were several readers who were excited with my early success and I think I've probably let some of them down when they realized that I couldn't do it.  Anyway....I'm starting to ramble.  Just wanted to write some of what I was thinking because writing is a very necessary tool to my success (evident of the condition NOT writing leaves me in...physically and mentally).

Still hopeful........

Cheri