Since my last real post, I moved to Texas in November of 2012. I moved in with the man I'd "dated" off and on for 5 years. It was (and always had been) a chaotic and unhealthy relationship yet I found myself ignoring every warning signal my brain pushed through my body and purposefully set out to find ways to ignore the fear and walk straight into hell. And that's what it was....for 10 days. But, my former self, the survivor in me, waited 'til he went to work one day and packed my things and left. The only problem then was that I had taken a job the day before and it was a job I'd had my heart set on. So, here I was with an open door to a wonderful job in a new city...but nowhere to live. I had a house I owned in Oklahoma... and I could have just gone back and gave up my hope for change. And I thought I would have no other real choice until a friend contacted me and offered me a place to stay for a little while so that I could keep the job. Another friend gave financial support that helped me stabilize. Those kindnesses and acts of generosity were the key to change that has been occurring ever since.
Two weeks later, I rented an apartment in Dallas. I really couldn't afford it but I was determined to stay. Maybe there was a little bit of pride and stubbornness in me that wouldn't allow me to run home with my tail between my legs. Maybe part of it was just that I knew what I've always known...that I am fully equipped to succeed at anything my heart truly desires. And, of course, that "can't" has never been part of my vocabulary ("don't" maybe...but not "can't").
Over the past year I've been successful on the job. I received two raises which were enough to allow me to continue living here and to make ends meet without much struggle. It's really the first time in my life where I truly was able to write a rent or utility check without worrying how I would put gas in the car or food in the cupboard. I don't have much extra, but I've got everything I need and have been able to make the choice to stay. I'm very thankful for that.
I'm learning to be fair and honest with myself. I'm learning that it's okay to expect good things for myself. I'm working on forgiving myself for past mistakes and for the compromises I've made that have saddened my very soul. The year has been difficult at times. VERY difficult and VERY lonely. But, I've had time to be alone...without working around the clock (which is entirely foreign to me). I've slowed down and let things get quiet. I have so much / too much time on my hands much of the time. I'm learning how to fill it and I'm learning how to use the time to listen to myself... to my thoughts, to my yearnings, to my hopes. I'm sorting out lies from truths as they come to my mind. I'm evaluating myself from a different perspective than at any other time in my life. I'm learning to encourage myself. I'm learning to be patient with myself. I'm learning to put reasonable expectations on myself. I'm learning that I have my own unique form of beauty. I'm learning personal boundaries and how to express them to others and to stand up and say something when they are crossed. I'm especially proud of myself for that. I'm learning that I have to be my "reason" for change. And I'm learning that there are things in me that don't need changing. Parts of me are adequate (even exceptional) just as they are. And I am the only one who gets to set the criteria for what needs change in my life.
I don't know what's in store for the upcoming year (although I have dreams of what I may be doing). There are a few things on my "to do" list which I feel ready to delve into. One I intend to make priority is to get back to writing here. It is key to my
serenity.
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