It's Father's Day. What does Father's Day have to do with a blog about weight issues?
When I was young, I was thin and beautiful. And I think I made my Daddy proud, although he didn't say it. I've always been hard working and self-reliant and I didn't cause him much heartache. At least, I hope I didn't. But, later in life, I made some choices that he didn't approve of. We never argued about any of it...but I believed I'd disappointed him and so I withdrew little by littl. Now 13 years have passed since I've seen him.
Much of it is just due to logistics. I moved to Oklahoma 13 years ago and he was in California, my home state. He moved a few times and is now currently living in Montana. I even had to look that up just now because I always forget which state he's in. We've just not had much contact over the last many years. I'm not even sure if I called him last Fathers Day, or not. It may have been the year earlier that I did. And I forgot his birthday in December. Sometimes I dismiss my guilt by reminding myself that he doesn't remember me on my birthday either. And I have yet to call him today.
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| My Daddy, April 2, Easter, 1994 |
My dad is 71 years old. My family does not have a history of living to be much older than this. I need to visit him. I use money as the excuse as to why I don't go. But, deep down, as each year goes by and I get bigger and bigger, I realize that I'm terrified for him to see me like this. I'm so ashamed of what I've become. It would be so shocking for him to see me 100 lbs heavier than the last time he saw me. I have imaginations of the look I'll see on his face the moment he first sees me. The last time he saw me I was about 34 years old and was probably wearing a size 14. I look wonderful at that size. I'm now squeezed into a 24-26. I'm disgusting. My weight is completely out of control. I'm embarrassed. I'm unfit. Tired. Depressed. Not at all the daughter he remembers.
My weight has affected my relationships and caused me to become recluse and lonely. For the first time in my life, I realize that my weight is now contributing to the loss of a relationship so valuable to me. I can't continue like this. I miss old friends and don't want them to see me like this. And more than anyone else, I miss my Daddy.
Lord, I've lost control of my life. I've mistreated myself. I've lost sight of the value you put on me and the self-worth you've given me glimpse's of. I haven't maintained my relationship with you as my friend, my support, my confidant. I have lost my joy and surrendered my peace. I've succumbed to fear and lies. Help me Father God to love again and to restore the hope and joy and love of life and self-confidence that is so powerful. And give me courage. Lead me out of this place of despair. I'm desperate for change and I can't do it alone. I'm not willing to allow this body to rob me of life and love.
Cheri, it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You don't need to avoid your father because you don't want him to see you.
ReplyDeleteYou can call him. You can write him. A handwritten note telling him that you care for him and appreciate him would mean a lot to BOTH of you.
(In fact, a written message can mean very much, indeed. You can control the situation and take the timie to word your note to say what you want. He can reread it as he wishes.)
You can write regularly and rebuild your relationship that way. Eventually, if you really want to visit, you can tell him that you've gained some weight. Then how much. And you can send a picture so the first time he sees you in person, he'll already have seen you "on paper".
The fact is, contact is what counts more than how the contact is made. I'm sure your father wonders what he did that has caused you to distance yourself from him. Parents have quite a capacity to make up reasons, since none of us are perfect.
Visit or not--you need to call and write. If you don't, you need to figure out why you aren't doing that. He can't see your weight in your handwriting or in your voice--and a card cost a couple of bucks. That means that money and fat aren't your reasons for what you just wrote about.
you'll feel better if you call, then write. So will he.
Hugs, Cheri. Relationships and our personal stuff can be tricky.
You've been on my mind and I've prayed for you.
Deb