Here I am. I turned 47 about 3 weeks ago and I have let myself down. I have turned forty(er) and I have become fat(ter). I weigh more tonight that I've ever weighed in my life. I once had so much hope for change. I was on a roll. I had made so much progress...both physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I'll be honest...right now, I'm only feeling disapointment and fear. It's an overwhelming fear that I will never change this. I need to break this cycle of self-hatred and emotional eating and the only way I know to do that is to write. To "voice" my thoughts and fears and to shout out self-praise here....in this blog. I see men and women who are 400 or 500 lbs. They're in pain. They're isolated. They're sick. But they were once me. They were once 331.6 pounds. They lost control just like I've lost control. I'm so afraid that that will happen to me. I'm terrified. I'm 47 years old. I want a great life! I want romance. I want health. I want prosperity. I want to play with my future grandchildren. I want energy. I want beauty. I want happiness and health. I'm forfeiting all of that day-by-day, meal-by-meal. Every time I suck down another 32 oz soda, or drive thru McDonalds. Every time I eat that leftover bacon, pour that extra glass of juice, take advantage of that after-holiday candy clearance sale...I'm forfeiting my health. Layers upon layers of fat suffocate me emotionally. I'm angry. I've lost my zeal for everything. I'm not myself.
I am a woman who has always believed in redemption. I believe that it's never too late to change and that all things are possible to those who believe. I'm creative and resourceful. I'm powerful and truthful with self and I'm no longer willing to continue on this path of destruction.
So here I am....starting over....once again. I'm writing here because it has been theraputic and writng reveals many things to me that I only find when I write. I once committed to be completely candid in relaying my thoughts about weight loss and eating addictions from my mind to the keyboard. I need to get real with myself once again. I've got to re-kindle my inner strength. It's there. I know that I possess everything I need to make this change. But, I've got to take the first step and then the next and the next.
And I still have that red dress hanging in my closet........
Well, hi, Cheri! I've had you on my mind lately and just checked your blog "just in case" and here you are, blogging. :D
ReplyDeleteI'm starting over again, again, too. It is scary...that fear that I'll not only not lose the weight, but will gain and gain and gain. Feeling out of control, well, feels out of control.
It's the first day of a new month. Let's march thru March determined to do right by ourselves.
Deb
Hey Deb! Great to hear from you! Thank you so much for always being such an encouragement to me! Your little notes ALWAYS make me feel like it's okay to keep plugging away at this. Sometimes, I feel so ashamed that I haven't gotten control of this yet. I'm really quite convinced that it's an addiction and something way beyond "willpower". Since I have to eat to live...and can't stop "cold turkey"...I've got to change my mind and look to God for strength in this battle. I know I was created an overcomer. So, it's time to step into that role. God be with you in your own personal battle with self. The mind controls the body and we are FULLY EQUIPED to conquer! As you've always said - ONWARD !!!
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