Scared Straight

I have not been posting on here in awhile. I don't have to tell you it is because I've been completely off track. Writing was my therapy. Writing was what kept me grounded. Writing was the tool I used to measure my success. Writing was the window that allowed me to see into my soul.   I stopped writing when I got busy. I started eating when I stopped writing. I stopped exercising. I stopped analyzing. I stopped planning. I stopped loving myself.  I stopped healing.

Today I'm 20 pounds heavier and just spent the last 6 hours in the emergency room with symptoms of heart failure; swollen up like a blow-fish; and scared.

The good news is: The doctor ran lots and lots of tests and ALL came back normal and healthy. I'm fine. But this was a huge wake-up call for me! I am not the type of person to go to the doctor unless it's serious. Nor am I one to miss work unless there is an emergency (someone is bleeding from a main artery). So, the fact that I left work 2 hours early to go to the emergency room (while uninsured) means that I was more-than-nervous about my health. Truth is, I feared I was having a heart attack (symptoms began 2 weeks ago), or worse.

Fast forward:  I'm fine.  I'm home now and thinking over the afternoon and evening and realizing that, although the tests all came back good, that I risk my life every day with my eating behaviors and lifestyle. Women who eat like I do ARE sick! Women who eat like I do DO become disabled. Women who eat like I do DO die! I laid in that hospital room waiting for all the tests to come back terrified of what they would find. I kept thinking, "What if......". What if I am having a heart attack? What if it is a blood clot in my lung (which was something they were testing for)? What if I have organs that are failing? I was so afraid. I laid there with tears streaming down my cheeks (just as they are while I write tonight) regretting my behavior and afraid I'd receive bad news.

I never want to feel that out of control again! I never want to feel that fearful. Everything came back okay and I am lucky and safe. This is the end of this road for me. I'm turning right now...at the next exit! I need to live in freedom. I am healthy! I am strong! I have an opportunity RIGHT NOW to begin again to make right choices; to eat healthy; and drink water; to exercise; and care for my mind. I have an opportunity to save my own life. And I am seizing it!